Jake Harper Hangs Himself
by DarkDanny
Summary: Title pretty much describes the story.


**Two and a Half Men are filmed in front of a live studio audience.**

"Men men men men, manly men men men!"

"Men men men men, manly men men men!"

"Men men men men, manly men, oo hoo hoo, hoo hoo, oo.

"Men men men men, manly men men men!"

"Men men men men, manly men men men!"

"Men ..."

...

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...

Jake sat there, a length of rope in his hand. With a heavy sigh and a miserable sad look, he stood up. He was 12, fat, he had an IQ of 67 and his girlfriend had broken up with him. He knew his life was over, that all he would end up amounting to (If he was lucky) was to be a fat version of his closeted homosexual father Alan.

Jake knew what had to be done, he had to end it now, before it was too late.

"Fuck this life," Jake cried out in pure angst, "I don't wanna end up being a Jon Cryer lookalike!"

**(Audience laughter and cheers**)

"No, better to end it now, with a bit of dignity, being a retarded kid that I am, I know I'll never have a future." He sobbed as he walked out on the deck, playing idly with the rope.

Jake cried and sobbed like a baby, his heart broken in a million, trillion pieces by that little dirty slut ass whore.

"I oh why were you blowing my teacher, didn't you have any standards?" He screamed out toward the pacific ocean, wishing somebody anyone would help him. It just so happened that his uncle, Charlie Harper was sitting on a seat a few feet away from his nephew. He sighed and sipped his drink.

"Uh oh." he groaned clearly not interested his this stupid child's wallowing.

**(Audience roars with laughter)**

With a miserable look, Charlie stood up and walked over to Jake, slowly, he patted him on the back. He really had nothing to say to the boy.

"Ahh, there there Jake, you'll be fine..." The Uncle said attempting to comfort Jake. Jake on the other hand cried louder, causing Uncle Charlie to roll his eyes.

"I need a drink." He muttered under his breath and left his suidal nephew alone by himself and his rope.

**(Audience applauds and laughs riotously)**

Jake sobbed and watched as his drunk uncle left him and turned back to the railing. With shaking hands he firmly tied his rope to the balcony railing. With tight breathing, he formed the other end of the rope into a hangman's noose the only thing his father taught him when he was in scouts. At least until Alan pulled him from scouts because it was too expensive and he was a cheapstake son of a bitch.

"Goddamn you dad...I-I hate you!" Jake choked out as he placed the noose over his head and tightened it. Quietly the little boy pulled out his suicide note and looked it over for one final time.

**(Jakes voice reads over the letter)**

_Dear Assholes._

**(audience laughs)**

_I am killing myself because I'm a fat retard whose only shot was with a blind girl. I hope you all die a painful death and go to hell you were all cruel to me for my whole life. I am going to end it now, because life as a corpse is more preferable THEN A LIFE IN THIS FUCKING FAMILY._

_Peace out Crackas_

_Jake Harper_

_PS: I got herpes from Charlie's toilet seat, thanks for that final indignity asshole, go get checked out!_

**(Audience screams out in laugher and cheers)**

Jake looked up. It was time to do the deed, Slowly he maneuvered his fat body over and onto the rail. He taped the note to the rail and begun to hyperventilate in sudden regretful fear. But, just as he was having a second though about hanging himself, a voice of reason appeared, reminding him of one little fact.

His father looked, sounded and acted like Jon "The asshole" Cryer.

"Fuck that." Jakes final words were and with a deep breath, he jumped off the balcony.

The rope tightened from the weight of the fat ass. His neck snapped instantaneous His body twitched and his feet kicked it's final time as the air left his body. The of his life was draining out just like the blood flowed from his all of his orifices

Jake Harper. Dead at 12.

...

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...

"Jake, JAKE, I'm done drinking now."

**(Audience laughter)**

Charlie came stumbling out of the house, looking around for his fat ass nephew. He squinted as he looked around. Where was the little bastard his freeloader brother dropped on him and left to get his balls knocked around by a hooker. Why was it always Charlie having to put up with this bullshit?

Charlie sighed and with one last scan was ready to turn back, until he noticed a rope on his balcony railing and a piece of paper, taped right by it. Slowly, Charlie hobbled over and took the letter and read it over, his eyes growing wider and wider as he read through the letter.

With a nervous look on his expression, he peaked over the edge. There was his fat little nephew, swinging in the wind. Dead.

"Uhoh." Charlie murmured.

**(Audience Laughs in support of the genius of Charlie Sheen)**

...

* * *

...

**Epilogue**

**(voiceover done by Morgan Freeman.)  
**

**In the years that followed, Charlie Harper's life got better and better. 5 months after the incident. His brother, Alan, was wracked with grief and looking for someone to blame. His blame was rested Squarely on his mother, Evelyn.**

**That blame was resolved in the form of a murder suicide.**

**Sure, losing a brother sucked to Charlie, but Charlie was always an optimist. Always looking on the bright side. At least now his house was his own now, and Charlie's bitch of a mother was dead.**

**And if he was still upset at all by the losses in his family. He could always find solace in the arms of Judith Harper, Jake's mother, Alan's ex wife.**

**And by solace...well, Charlie meant fucking.**

**The End.**

**(Rolls credits)**

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**I hope you all enjoyed, not my usual style of writing, but still, it was fun!**


End file.
